Still Mind Blog
5 Ways to Help Your Child Through School Transitions
How reducing your stress and anxiety can empower your child to thrive.
My latest post is live on my Psychology Today Blog!
As summer fades and the start of the new school year draws near, many parents find themselves torn between excitement and anxiety. Major transitions—whether it's sending your child to kindergarten for the first time, watching them step into high school, or saying goodbye as they head off to university—often bring up a host of emotions. Parents worry about how their child will handle the changes, whether they'll make friends, succeed academically, or simply adjust to a new routine. While these concerns are normal, the reality is that your child’s ability to thrive doesn’t rest on your anxiety. In fact, the more you focus on managing your own stress, the better positioned your child will be to navigate their new environment with confidence…..
Say Yes to the Desk: How to Spot a Toxic Workplace Before You Accept a New Job
Why Identifying Toxic Work Environments is Crucial
Before diving into how to assess workplace toxicity, it's important to understand why this matters. Accepting a job in a toxic environment can have a severe impact on your mental and physical health, productivity, and overall well-being. Toxic workplaces are often characterised by excessive stress, poor management, unclear roles, and a lack of support. These factors can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression, and a significant decline in job performance, ultimately affecting your career trajectory and personal life.
The Right Mindset Before a Job Interview
When attending a job interview, it is important to go in with a clear head. Too often, people get their hopes up about a job and start dreaming about how great it would be to work at a particular company or in a particular role. Instead, focus on learning the right information to determine if you are a fit for that organisation. Keep your emotions in check and approach the interview with an open mind. Remember, a job interview is a two-way street - you are also evaluating whether this company is a good match for you.
With that in mind, let’s begin with how you can strategically assess whether or not you should accept a job offer from a particular company!
Step-by-Step Guide to Acquiring Reliable Information About a Company
1. Research the Company
Company Website: Start with the company’s official website. Look for their mission statement, values, and employee benefits. Red flags here would include things like a lack of diversity, clear focus on profits over employee well-being, broken links or outdated website that might speak to more systemic problems in the company. Values that seem generic or have not been updated in years might indicate a lack of genuine commitment to those principles. If the website focuses more on perks like free snacks, ping pong tables, or happy hours rather than substantive benefits like career development and work-life balance, it might be masking deeper issues.Lots of flashy photos and videos without substantial content about employee development and support systems can be a red flag.
Social Media Accounts: Check out the company’s presence on social media platforms like LinkedIn, Twitter, and Glassdoor. Pay attention to how they communicate with their followers and what their online reputation looks like.
News Articles: Search for any recent news articles about the company. This can give you insights into the company's financial stability, scandals, or any major changes happening within the organization.Also, pay attention to how they address negative stories about them in the press. Ignoring bad press could indicate a lack of transparency.
Ask your network if they know anyone who works at the company or has worked there in the past. Reach out to these individuals and ask them about their experience working there. Be sure to ask specific questions about
Glassdoor and Indeed: Use these platforms to read employee reviews. Pay attention to recurring themes, especially those related to management style, work-life balance, and company culture.
2. Leverage LinkedIn
LinkedIn is a powerful tool for uncovering insights about a company's work environment and employee turnover rate. Look for patterns in employee profiles, such as short tenures or a high number of employees leaving at the same time.
How to Use LinkedIn Effectively:
Company Page: Visit the company's LinkedIn page to see updates, employee posts, and company news. This can provide valuable context about the company's culture.
Job Postings: Analyze job postings to understand the roles and responsibilities expected. Frequent reposting of the same positions may indicate high turnover.
Employee Profiles: Look at profiles of current and former employees. Notice how long people typically stay at the company and the career progression they experience while there.
Networking on LinkedIn:
Connections: Connect with people who currently work or have previously worked at the company. Send a polite and professional message asking for their insights.
Alumni Tool: Use LinkedIn’s Alumni Tool to find people from your alma mater who have worked at the company. They may be more inclined to offer candid advice.
Groups: Join industry-related LinkedIn groups where employees might share experiences about different companies.
3. Conduct Informational Interviews
Speak directly with current or former employees. Here are some questions to ask:
Work Environment: "Can you describe a typical day at the company?"
Management Style: "How would you characterize the management style here?"
Company Culture: "What’s the company culture like? Are there any unspoken rules?"
Support Systems: "What kind of support does the company provide for professional development and work-life balance?"
Turnover Rate: "Do you feel there’s a high turnover rate? If so, why do you think that is?"
4. Use Social Media Platforms
Facebook and Twitter: Check the company’s social media presence for employee engagement and public interactions. Notice how the company responds to comments and feedback.
Reddit: Search for threads or posts discussing the company. Anonymous platforms can sometimes reveal more honest opinions.
5. Analyze Job Offer Details
Compensation and Benefits: Evaluate the offered salary, benefits, and perks against industry standards.
Work-Life Balance: Inquire about flexible working hours, remote work options, and vacation policies.
Career Growth: Ask about potential for advancement and professional development opportunities.
6. Observe During the Interview Process
Pay attention to the following cues during your interview:
Office Atmosphere: Notice the general mood and energy of the office environment.
Interactions: Observe how current employees interact with each other and with you.
Transparency: Gauge the transparency and honesty of your interviewers when you ask probing questions about challenges and turnover.
Some important questions for you to ask in the interview include :
"What do you enjoy most about working here?"
"Can you tell me about the company culture and values?"
"How does the company support professional development for its employees?"
"What challenges have you faced while working here and how has the company responded to them?"
"Tell me about your ideal candidate for this role?"
Gauge their reaction to your answers. In one interview I once had, they mentioned a big project that they were working on. I replied that I had expertise in that area and had done a similar project elsewhere. I described what I had accomplished in a previous role and asked if there would be interest in including me in that initiative. The interviewer pursed her lips and changed the subject. I ended up withdrawing my application from consideration. This was a major red flag for me as it showed that the company was not interested in utilizing my skills and experience.
Conclusion
Thoroughly researching a company before an interview can help you make informed decisions about your career. It also shows that you are proactive, detail-oriented, and genuinely interested in the position. Identifying a toxic work environment before accepting a job offer is pivotal to safeguarding your mental and physical health, productivity, and overall well-being. By leveraging online resources, conducting thorough research, and asking insightful questions, you can make an informed decision about your potential future workplace. Remember, a job should not only advance your career but also contribute positively to your quality of life. Taking the time to assess a company's culture and work environment can save you from the detrimental effects of a toxic job and set you on a path to a fulfilling and productive career.
How to Help Quiet Colleagues Speak Up in Meetings
My latest post on Psychology Today looks at things you can do to encourage your quieter colleagues to speak up in meetings.:
One of the most frustrating things about working on a team can be when everyone is so risk-averse that they don't want to speak up and say what they think. There are many reasons for this. Some people have all the responsibility but none of the authority to make changes, so they lay low. Sometimes, it's a toxic work environment, and people fear real repercussions for speaking up. Racism and misogyny may keep certain members of the team quiet……Read the rest on Psychology Today.
My Blog on Psychology Today!!!
My blog is now being published over on Psychology Today. I’ll be sure to update things over here when I publish something new over there! :-)
Unhappily Ever After: How to Move Forward Without a Peaceful Resolution
One common, but infrequently discussed, reason that people come to see a psychologist is when a unhealthy relationship ends but they are stuck feeling like they can’t move on orlet it go. It’s normal to want a somewhat peaceful resolution – like agreeing to disagree, an apology or some acknowledgment of your point of view. Unfortunately, when things end badly, it’s unlikely that you will ever hear the words, “I’m sorry,” or “I made some really poor life choices that affected you terribly and I’m going to make it up to you if it’s the last thing I do.”
The stress and anxiety of thinking about someone out there who is potentially bad-mouthing you or moving on and having a happy, consequence free life without you can be pretty hard to take. Tossing and turning in bed, replaying the things you wish you had said to them over and over again. Worrying that you might bump into them at the grocery store. Every restaurant you ate at or thing you enjoyed together feels like it should have a trigger warning on it .
The images and thoughts can be all consuming and life draining. It’s also a bit like having OCD – where you’re brain gets stuck on an obsession and wants resolution. If the other person is unwilling or unable to make peace, then it can feel like you’ll be stuck in the emotional muck forever.
The good news is that you can learn to move forward without anything from the person who hurt you. You don’t need their apology or their permission in order to move on and live a happy life. Here are some tips to help get you started:
1. Remember it’s not just you who is stuck – it’s your brain. The brain doesn’t like it when things aren’t neatly resolved – and this extends to our relationships. It probably stems back from when we lived in small tribes and had to get along or die. Those who felt the most uncomfortable with conflict lived to pass their genes on to future generations. Just because we can now move away and join another tribe doesn’t mean that conflict bothers our brains any less.
2. Refocus on fun activities. Help your brain move on by refocusing your attention on to other activities. Brains can only do so many things at once. You can help it move forward by doing things you enjoy and meeting new people.
3. It takes two. Remind yourself that it takes two people to fix a relationship when you start beating yourself up about what you could’ve or should’ve done. Your not the only one who is responsible for trying to sort out disagreements. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships and relationships only last when both parties are forgiving and are committed to working things through.
4. Focus on the future. When someone keeps hurting you or isn’t willing to work things through, it’s important to focus on cultivating new, supportive relationships. If you have some good friends or family in your life already, put your energy into further strengthening those ties. If you are coming out of a relationship where you were kept isolated and have lost touch with others, you can learn to trust the right people and protect yourself through therapy and make new, healthier connections going forward.
5. Meditate. Meditation is a great way to train your mind to focus in the right direction – and pull yourself out of an endless loop of blame, anger and doubt. It is good to learn from an experienced meditation teacher who can help you cope if any strong feelings emerge in meditation – as they often do – but with time you can learn to skillfully stay with whatever feelings may come and go.
There are many situations where people have had to leave relationships without resolution – from an angry falling out with a good friend to being shunned from your family for having different religious or political beliefs and everything in between. People tend not to talk openly about these experiences out of shame and stigma – but therapists know that it is an all too common experience. Despite the pain, there is hope for a brighter future where you surround yourself with like-minded people who love and support you.
Breaking Bad Habits
Trying to break a bad habit is simultaneously the simplest and hardest thing in the world. The problem is the brain is a creature of habit and can work against you when you are trying to make healthy changes. One way to reduce your stress when you are trying to establish new healthy habits is to remember that you don't lack willpower when you have a craving - you have a healthy brain that is trying to get you to stick to your (albeit, unhealthy) routine.
Mindfulness is one tool you can use to help change how you respond to cravings. I love this TED talk by Judson Brewer on his research on mindfulness and habits. Another good resource is Jeffrey Schwartz' book, You Are Not Your Brain.
Understanding why your brain has cravings, along with support and a plan, can help you calm your cravings and start living healthier and feeling better than you could have ever imagined.
Resolving To Live Better
Many people resolve at the start of New Year to do things differently. Starting a new diet or exercise program, getting more sleep or worrying less are all great ways to improve your life and take care of your health. I'm often asked, because I'm a psychologist, whether resolutions are a good or a bad thing - and I think they're great.
We all have to start dreaming about the ways we can make those changes that are good for us. Maintaining that initial motivation is the tricky part. The good news is that there are several things you can do to enhance the likelihood that you will reach your goals. I did an interview for the CBC a few years ago about sticking to your goals and a particular technique we use in cognitive therapy called response cards.
Whether you're starting anxiety treatment, training for a marathon, or finally wanting to write that novel watch the video for more info on how response cards are a simple but effective way to stick to your plans! Watch the video and start making the changes that will make you happier today.
The Best Way to Deal With Bullying and Harassment
Bullying does not build character and it is definitely not something that anyone should learn to tolerate. Harassment takes a toll on your confidence and can lead to stress, depression and anxiety. In extreme situations the consequences can be tragic.
In an ideal world, schools and workplaces would use best practices and policies to shut down harassment and bullying. The reality is that those who are often hired to enforce those policies (if they even exist in a particular organization) are poorly trained and have little practice dealing with high conflict situations. They might use buzzwords like “restorative justice” or “zero tolerance” without really understanding how to use those strategies effectively.
You should know if you are ever in this situation how to protect yourself! Therapy for bullying helps by teaching you how to shut down critical comments, set clear limits and when necessary how not to internalize - or believe - the terrible things the bully says about you. Verbal self-defence skills are key to getting through or shutting down a bully (as long as they are not physically violent - then you need a slightly different set of strategies to get out and stay safe).
It’s also important to know when to change schools or jobs. If you are one person going against an institution that is not responding to your concerns, leaving is a legitimate course of action. Most of us feel like we failed or are leaving with our tails between our legs. However, a psychologist can help you see that this prevents so many more problems when you don’t have the power to change the situation.
Lawyers are particularly good at walking away from a losing proposition. If you don’t have a case, or the law isn’t on your side, they won’t pursue an issue. This is also a good way to think about injustice at school or at work. It may be wrong - but if you don’t have the power to change it do what’s necessary to take care of yourself.
If you are struggling with harassment and bullying, the one thing to remember is that it rarely gets better with time. Don’t wait to take action when you see a problem early on. Learn about your rights from your union or lawyer, get help learning the assertiveness skills necessary to protect yourself, and once you have exhausted all avenues, consider leaving. Everybody deserves respect and compassion - and if you don’t have that as a minimum at work or school then you need to find a way out.
A Gentle Approach to Anxiety Treatment
Once you have decided that now is the time to treat your anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder, it is tempting to work as hard as you can to get better as fast as possible. This is great and one of the reasons that we offer Rapid Relief sessions at the Vancouver Anxiety and Stress Centre. In one or two days, we go through all the things you need to learn about anxiety in a condensed period of time. It’s kind of a personal workshop on what you need to know about your anxiety - like why your brain sends false alarms, what makes anxiety worse, how to talk back to your anxiety, etc.
The important thing to realize though is that rapid doesn’t have to mean rough. It’s important to go gently when treating anxiety and at a pace that feels comfortable to you. Many people are anxious when they start therapy that they are going to be pushed to face their fears at a breakneck pace. If done properly, treatment should stretch you but not so much that you feel overwhelmed or burned out. When it comes to anxiety, slow and steady wins the race.
Having treated my own anxiety, I know how exhausting exposure therapy or facing your fears can be. It’s so much better to pace yourself, listen to your body, and build your confidence as you take your life back from anxiety. Being kind to yourself during treatment makes it so much easier - and in the long run, it actually goes much more quickly when you listen to your energy level while working with your therapist.
ANXIETY VS. STRESS
People often wonder about the difference between anxiety and stress and if you use the same strategies to treat both concerns. Cognitive therapist generally see the two problems as separate and we have different strategies that work for anxiety and stress.
Dr. Beck (who developed cognitive therapy) often uses this model to explain anxiety (and you might have seen me talk about it in the first Quiet Mind Video in the online class page):
Anxiety = Overestimation of Danger + Underestimation of Coping
With anxiety we see situations as more dangerous than they really are and feel that we can't handle things if they do happen. This is contrast to fear which is the accurate estimation of danger and coping! If I bump into a bear on a hiking trail, I would be accurate in estimating that the bear is dangerous and that I would have trouble coping if it attacked.
Stress on the other hand was defined by Hans Selye as the body's response to any demand for change. In later years, he was quoted as saying that, "Everybody knows what stress is but doesn't really know."
What became clear in stress research is that your perception of a situation determined whether it was stressful. Now those of us who are interested in helping people cope with stress often use the following model of stress:
Stress = Anything you wish was different
Most situations that cause anxiety are also stressful (because who wants to be anxious) but not all stressful situations cause anxiety. For example, sitting through a boring meeting or class may not cause anxiety but could be stressful if you are itching to get out of there.
What helps anxiety is facing your fears (using gentle baby steps) and showing your brain that you can cope and there is nothing to worry about.
What helps stress is problem solving, having more fun and taking things you don't like off of your plate.
What works for bears (and other real dangers) is avoidance and carrying bear spray just in case!
This is a bit of an oversimplification, but understanding these models can help you understand why your psychologist is asking you to take certain steps to reduce your anxiety and stress.